Travels of Note: Ridin’ with Uncle Willy! The Bus Tour Through Kauai

Sometimes seeing a city, a country or even an island in a day is just too tough to do. There can be so many sights, sounds, touches and tastes that It is literally impossible to do them all in just a day. However I find that sometimes just driving through a place can give you just a little bit of everything. You can literally cover more ground and see more terrain this way. So when I came to Kauai, I thought maybe the best way to see as much as possible would be to hop on one of the bus tours and do just that.

We docked in Nawiliwili early and I got off the ship soon after. The buses were already standing by as I got off the gangway. I grabbed a seat towards the back and waited patiently for the bus to get moving. As soon as we started driving, the bus driver got on the overhead speakers. He introduced himself as “Uncle Willy”. Uncle Willy had a thick Hawaiian accent and looked to be about 55 or 60 years old. He comes from a Hawaiian family that has been living in Kauai for several generations.

As we drove out of the town which consisted of a Costco, a Ross, a Toyota dealership and a large shopping mall, I started to think to myself “I thought Kauai was suppose to be the pretty island?” I figured the nice parts were probably outside of the town but my first impression was that this place is just as built up as any of the other islands. Meanwhile, Uncle Willy is still talking over the loudspeaker giving us the brief history of the area and trying really hard to get group participating in his lectures and simultaneously make everyone laugh. He starts calling everyone in the bus “gang”. “Hey gang! Check this out!” or “Alright gang, hold on to your hats for this one!” I felt like I was in a rerun of Happy Days and this bus magically brought us to the 1950’s. I don’t think I need to express how old Uncle Willy’s humor got. It took me only about 15 minutes before I started tuning him out.

We finally got out to the countryside and were starting to see what I came here for. Large green hills and tropical trees lined each side of the road. We were seeing Macadamia Nut farms followed by a coffee plantation followed by a cattle ranch. Things were starting to look a bit what I expected. Even Uncle Willy started making sense and was giving us some insightful antidotes about the land and history. He then said there was a good spot to pull over and take a photo so we did; and boy howdy was he right!

We stopped at a lookout in front of Hanapepe Valley. It was a great view with the large V-shaped valley cutting through the mountains for miles in front of us. The dirt and rocks were so vibrant that they almost glowed. The shade of brown was almost a rich milk chocolate color with a hint of red behind it. Over the rocks stretched lush green plants covering the reddish-brown earth. It was a great stop in deed. I snapped a few photos and just stood there, letting myself absorb the scenery. After a few minutes we all got back into the bus.

Hanapepe Valley

We continued on and our next scheduled stop was going to be the Waimea Canyon. Uncle Willy warned us that It would be about an hour drive to the canyon and the road going up there was going to have a lot of winding turns. Winding turns didn’t seem to be a problem for me but I had a feeling that some of the older passengers weren’t to thrilled by the idea.

Along the way to Waimea Canyon, we passed through some small towns, more plantations and even got a sneak peek at a few beaches. In one of the towns it had a memorial of Captain Cook where a statue was erected and a plaque with some history about him was written on it. I was a bit surprised that they had a memorial for the guy since he basically tried to screw the Hawaiian people. That’s the Aloha spirit for you I guess!

Captain Cook Memorial

Finally after about 45 minutes of some scenic driving, we started to head uphill. The landscape changed and now we were seeing more grasslands than tropics. It almost reminded me of some rural areas of central California with its yellowish-green tall grass and dry dirt. Parts of the area were also black from recent forest fires that scorched grass and trees alike. Uncle Willy got on the loud speaker and said “Alright gang, we’re coming up on our first BIG hairpin turn. It’s gonna be a doozy so hold on cause here we go!” The bus slows down and makes the turns with ease. I braced myself for some Nascar-like turn and was disappointed when it was nothing more than a gradual U-turn. I then thought to myself that these people on the bus must be some real old-folk if they thought that was a huge hairpin turn. All the way up to the top of the canyon Uncle Willy gave us vocal warnings at every minor turn we made. Almost like he was mocking us at every warning. When I was just starting to get really annoyed with Uncle Willy’s candor, we reached the canyon.

There were about 2 other tour buses parked there as well and there were about 50 other passengers from other tours already there, swarming the place like bees on a hive. I get out and see a trail that potentially takes me out to the canyon. I walk up the trail, which was only about 20 yards till I got to the lookout.

It was a massive, tropical Grand Canyon. I was taken a back by how massive and colorful it was. There was a light fog in the air but I was still able to see all the way down into the canyon. The textures of the rock formations were jagged and pointy as if a child had ripped them out of colorful construction paper. Each one of the cuts into the rock had its own uniqueness, shape and color. With every slight turn of the head, you saw another distinctive angle of this natural wonder. I elbowed my way passed all the gawking tourists and managed to get a few good photos in.

Panoramic view of Waimea Canyon

I made my way back to the bus and saw that there was already a vendor selling fruits and drinks under a tent in the parking lot. I found a secluded area by a chain link fence and leaned up against it and people watched. Along with the tourists, there was a rooster and a hen pecking around in the parking lot. Now all the experiences I’ve had with roosters taught me to just stay clear of them. They’re “cocky” and love to just start fights with you and they will try to peck your shins off. I stayed quiet and tried not to make eye contact. As soon as gave a quick peek at him, he noticed me. He started to slowly come closer. I’m thinking, “Oh shit, here we go. I might have to kick a rooster” He gets even closer still and I try to just ignore him. The rooster quickens its pace and I stand there holding my ground. Finally he gets about 3 feet from me and just stops. I look down at him to see if he’s going to give the fatal blows. He looks at me and I look at him. He then realizes that I seem to not be a threat (and probably that I also have no food) and he slowly turns around and walks away. I exhale in relief.

Evil Rooster.

After a few minutes, everyone gets back into the bus and we continue on. We head back down the hill and he takes us to Sprouting Horn Blowhole which is a natural blow hole that is caused by a lava tube that catches water in it which causes pressure with the air which then blows the water out the other end. We pass a few very nice hotels and resorts until we reach the parking lot. I get out and look at this small blowhole by the sea. It was actually kind of disappointing, however the surrounding beach area was very nice so I just admired the scenery till it was time to head back to the bus.

Sprouting Horn Blowhole

As we head back I realized that I was pretty tired from waking up early so my energy was being drained. Just as my eyes lids were starting to get heavy, I hear Uncle Willy say into the loud speaker “Hey gang! Is it anyone’s anniversary today?... Or yesterday even?” No one responds. He continues, “Well if it was I would sing you the Hawaiian anniversary song… In fact, here’s what it sounds like!” And then, all of my deepest fears came true… Uncle Willy actually started to sing. Some people will tell you that as a musician, we tend to judge peoples musical abilities harsher than anyone else. But I will tell you this: this guy was really awful. The sound reminded me of the garbage truck coming early on Thursday mornings in front of my parent’s house and making that awful noise that could wake up even the deepest of sleepers. His singing was on par with THAT. The other passengers tried to muffle their laughter with little success. I sat in my seat, squeezing my bag in pain hoping it would end soon.

Finally after about six minutes of this aural onslaught, the song was over. Three people clapped for him out of pity. I unclenched my bag and sighed in relief. Uncle Willy then got on the loud speaker “ Is it anyone’s BIRTHDAY today????” I nearly leapt out of my seat screaming “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!” in bitter shock and rage. He then continued to sing AGAIN a 4 minute rendition of the birthday song in Hawaiian. Again I clenched onto my bag, even harder than before. I closed my eyes tight and just leaned my head onto the window, hoping it would end soon. After it was over I did’nt even bother to pick my head up off the window, I just lied there in defeat.

We gradually got closer to the ship and Uncle Willy said his good-byes to everyone and we all tried to repeat the few Hawaiian words he tried to teach us at the beginning to the ride. We unloaded and made my way back to the ship. The tour in total was about 4 hours long and we covered a lot of ground. I was able to see some of the jaw-dropping landscapes of Kauai and also able to drive through a few of the towns and beaches along the way. I certainly didn’t get deep into Kauai’s core but I did manage to see some highlights. When I come back again, I will at least know the basics of the island and what to see and explore. However next time, I might not invite Uncle Willy along…